Thursday, April 25, 2013

Itch to Scratch


I feel young.

That's something I never thought I'd say or think.

A few weeks ago, I woke up and just felt like dancing. Dancing for no reason at all. I am a terrible dancer and can't move my hips without moving my entire upper body, but my entire being ached to move until I was out of breath. So I danced. It was one of the most wonderful sensations I've ever experienced. My body has practically begged me to keep on dancing, to move and groove in ways I never have before that morning.

It feels like my body is coming out of a coma.

My mind was the first part of me to wake up after moving overseas and it's slowly yawning and stretching to an upright position. But I've always been able to remember what an active mind feels like. That was part of the terror of my depression - knowing and yearning for the fog to clear so I could think clearly again.

My body, however, has never felt this way, not even when I was really young. I guess that's because I've never felt all that connected to my physical self. I have very long limbs, especially my legs, and am naturally just a stiff person. To describe my physicality as doll-like wouldn't be much of a stretch. There's a reason I played Barbie in the talent show at school. I am honestly never completely comfortable and fidget almost constantly because I am always trying to find some level of ease in my body. I've always envied dancers for their fluid bodies and graceful statures.

But now my body feels alive. I suddenly don't care if I can actually dance - it just feels good to boogie. I feel as fluid as I can be. I want to go on adventures. I want to be spontaneous. I don't want to hurry home after work and hide from the world - I want to explore and jiggy at a jukebox until dawn. I want to run to Spain and fall asleep on a beach somewhere, waking up with even lighter blonde hair and sand in my shirt. I want to go on picnics, spin in short dresses with flouncy skirts, feel the sun penetrate every goddamn pore on my body, maybe even jump in a fountain. I want to feel light and be the light.

We'll see what happens. 

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